The worst day of my marriage started really beautifully. My parents were visiting us from out of town which meant my husband and I could jet out of town for a couple’s weekend and reconnect. We were both excited!! Unfortunately, this beautiful trip turned into us having a fight so bad we were on the brink of divorce. I knew I didn’t want a divorce, but had no idea how to stop a breakup from happening. Here’s what I did to start my journey back to the amazing relationship we now have. Today, this same marriage is so much better than it was, in fact it’s unrecognizable.

The Breakdown

My husband picked a beautiful resort for our getaway. We went on a morning hike, laid out at the pool, had lunch, and went for a romantic dinner. Things were going great and then out of nowhere, we started talking about some random subject at dinner. It was such a silly subject that had nothing to do with our lives, but our usual pattern began. We had a difference of opinion about the topic and each stated our thoughts. This began our usual dance of trying to convince the other who was right. Voices, then defenses, and ultimately insults arose.

It got heated and remember this was a subject neither of us cared about or had ever spoken about before, and we haven’t since. If I told you the subject you’d probably agree. Boy, that is a really insignificant thing to argue about, and you’d be right. My husband started name-calling and then swore at me audibly. I got up from the table and stormed out of the restaurant.

I went to the hotel bar to hide away and figure out what to do next. I knew if I went back to our hotel room things would get worse and nothing would get resolved. A feeling I had been fearing for some time came over me. I was convinced the good guy I married was gone. I now was left with this terrible jerk that calls me inappropriate names in romantic restaurants. I ordered a drink and sorted through my options. You see, neither one of us had the relationship skills to get ourselves out of our unhappy routine. This is what leads to a “breakdown”.

The Dance

I’d been hearing my husband say for a long time that he didn’t love me anymore. I wasn’t fun, nor attractive, or enjoyable to be around. At the time this seemed puzzling. Why anyone would speak these words to their spouse? However, now I know why men say this to their partners.

In the beginning, it was so painful and scary to hear these things, as I had no idea where they were coming from. We had two adorable sons for whom I had left my full-time job to take care. I continued to work part-time, ran a side business we had, kept the house clean and organized, the kids were doing well in school, dinner was on the table nightly, and the laundry was neatly folded and put away each day. Is it any wonder with all I was doing for our family I wasn’t my fun, cheery self anymore? So where was my medal? You should find my picture in the dictionary when you look up the word “accomplished spouse”.

After a few hours at the bar, I went back to the room as it was now really late and I was hoping he’d be asleep so I could quietly go to bed. I didn’t want to talk or fight as years into our marriage a pattern emerged. It began argue, have a weeks-long silent war, eventually start talking again, repeat after the next blowup. This is what’s known as “the dance”.

The Fence

I spent many years trying to make things work to become skilled at marriage. After numerous relationship books read, marriage improvement programs attempted, and therapy tried, I feared nothing would work on this man or this marriage. I am not someone who got married so I could end up divorced. I also didn’t want my children to go through a divorce and think that when relationships don’t work you quit. But here I was not sure whether I had any control over this marriage working or not.

So it came down to, well he travels a lot, and wouldn’t it just be easier if he was on a trip and something terrible happened? Surely, it is much more dignified to be a widow, in a seemingly loving marriage that ended tragically, than a divorced mother in a failed marriage that ended? Couldn’t he just do me this favor? Oh boy, I was at a low point. If this was the only way I could escape the pain and embarrassment of divorce I was stuck. Clearly, praying for a plane to fall out of the sky isn’t a good plan for obvious reasons.

As soon as the sun came up that morning I dressed and bolted from the hotel room before he could wake. I silenced my phone and vowed to spend the entire day by myself. The toxicity of my thoughts over the last 24 hours left me thinking maybe I should now be the one to go down on a plane. I was not able to make an informed decision about saving this marriage or not. This is what is called the “fence”.

The Breakthrough

For the first time in a long time, I thought about what I wanted to do that day for me. I remembered I love art, museums, culture, getting lost in a great town and discovering its soul. In walking around I started to feel a little better. I began to contemplate what had happened over the course of my marriage, and importantly to sort through what I was feeling and what did I want. What I realized is that I want to remain married to this man and save this family. And even if he didn’t, I did.

Why I couldn’t single-handidly become a skilled wife and get this relationship back on track? Eventhough I tried other ways in the past that failed what changed was – I’d survived the breakdown, I knew the dance, and decided to get off the fence. No longer was I going to let fear run the show, I decided to chose faith, and I had nothing to lose but an unwanted divorce.

I sent my husband a note while still in town telling him I was on my way back and was going to get some coaching for myself about our marriage. No expectations for him to do anything were attached. I was doing this for me and to know I was going to do everything I could to change for all of us. But before that, we both need to survive the plane ride home. I had my breakthrough!

Is your relationship in a painful place you’d like to get out of? Mine was too, you are not alone. I’d love to hear your story and support you to find the faith to save your marriage.