If your husband has told you he doesn’t love you anymore, that is heartbreaking to hear. Or maybe he hasn’t said it directly, but you sense he’s given up. What a scary place to be, especially if you aren’t someone who said “I do” only to find now he doesn’t.

Why Men Tell You They’ve Fallen Out of Love With You

In my marriage I was a busy, stressed-out wife and mom. At the time, I didn’t realize that version of me that showed up every day in our marriage was pretty unlovable. This me, years into my relationship, was exhausted, critical, and controlling. Things only became worse after hearing my husband tell me he wasn’t sure he even loved me anymore.

I was in so much emotional turmoil. I couldn’t stand the elephant in the room. Did he or didn’t he love me, was there someone else, was he going to work on our relationship or not. These questions needed to be answered. So I marched into our bedroom where my husband was sitting and demanded to know. When I was met with more silence to my query, I took my shoe off and threw it at his head. If my husband didn’t love me before, he certainly didn’t now.

While this act got a response, it isn’t anything I’d recommend now that I know what I know about relationships. There is an easier way to become adored by your man again. Where he’s falling back in love with you.

No one in a relationship should have to feel unloved. So what is one to do if you are feeling this right now? I am so glad you found me and want to get relationship happy.

Fall Back in Love with You

This might sound counterintuitive, but ruminating on your husband not loving you, or who your partner is loving right now won’t make things better. Worrying if he will ever love you again won’t either. At least it didn’t for me, but I can tell you what did. Focusing on my needs, what was missing in my life, and what could I give to myself.

I had no idea who I was after many years of marriage, beginning a family, moving across country a few times, changing and careers. I just knew I was tired, easily agitated, and oftentimes overwhelmed. If I was going to be happy in any relationship what would that look like? I was stumped. How did I lose my former fun-loving self in this relationship, become an unhappy woman, and how would I get my husband’s affection back.

Without my realizing, in the silence of our relationship, my energy was saying out loud he wasn’t making me happy. If I was going to bring the “me” back my husband fell in love with l’d need to leave this current version of me behind.

Start Caring for Yourself

According to the Journal of Counseling Psychology self-care “is a multidimensional, multifaceted process of purposeful engagement in strategies that promote healthy functioning and enhanced well-being.”

I started looking everywhere for answers on how to find and care for the me I’d lost. Long bike rides listening to a new playlist of my favorite songs turned into my safe place to explore my thoughts and desires. If you saw me racing by you on my bike singing at the top of my lungs “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, my apologies. I am a better bike rider than a singer, I’m pretty sure. And even if my singing isn’t the greatest, the time alone filled my soul with some much-needed time for me to recharge my battery. My stress lowered and my enjoyment returned.

Discover What You Love

I love listening to Steve Harvey, his story about becoming an in-demand entertainer from a little boy that stuttered moves me. He talked about how he has a list of 300 things he wants to do/have in life. So, I accepted this challenge – I’m still only on 189. It was hard to come up with that list. Through therapy journaling about what would make me happy, I found I wanted to take more long hot baths, get back to horseback riding, make a few new close friends, and have an amazing relationship with my husband and our kids. I wanted a relationship that people on the street would admire and wonder how it was that we are still so in love. I now was ready to leave behind what I had created up to this point and reach for my vision.

Experiment with what Makes You Happy

As I started to focus on my vision and check these things off the list I made another discovery. To keep myself happy I need to do a least three things for myself each day. Maybe it’s talking to a girlfriend on the phone, going for a walk in nature, or reading a good book. If I’m short on time, getting five minutes in my favorite chair alone nibbling on a sinful piece of chocolate will do. When I’m having a bad day or something is stressing me out, I might need to do 5 self-care things to get through. I guard my happiness pretty closely now and doing things for myself is no longer optional. It’s essential. Plus I began to see my husband would offer to pitch in willingly to take over around the house if I needed a break to go care for myself. When I would come back happy he didn’t seem to mind taking on the household duties.

Magnetize Your Husband’s Love Back

As my happy came back, oddly enough so did my husband’s attention. He became curious what the change in me was all about. See when you shift your energy you change your vibe. To men, this is magnetic. This new happy wife, filled up on self-care brought back the me my husband was first attracted to. Gone was the stressed-out old wife. At last, I found what had gone missing. Hearing and knowing that my husband loves me!

I know right now, it’ll seem hard to not focus on the things that are wrong or upsetting you, as far as your partner is concerned. Focusing on something negative can be a comfortable place for our own anxieties. What is he thinking, how are his actions showing me he loves me or he doesn’t, and why have things changed?

I too was busy focusing on these questions and what he was doing. I let the un-fun, frazzled, and unhappy woman take over me. Would you want to be in a relationship with that kind of woman? Me neither.

In the end, it really didn’t matter who was or who wasn’t loving, or if anyone else was involved. Once I brought a happy me back to the relationship things began to transform. I’ve never heard those hurtful words again. Now I just hear “I LOVE YOU”!I know that when I focus on making me happy I get all the love I need from myself first, and then those around me.

What are you doing to get in touch with you and you’re happy? What you’re focusing on? I’d love to hear from you!

If you’re stuck feel free to contact me and together let’s see what might be keeping you from having that happy, fun-loving relationship you want and deserve! Relationship coaching is a gift you give to yourself, it’s your down payment on a happy future.